do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
