I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
