so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
