I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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