Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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