Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
