Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
