i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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