I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
