Apparently you make a good broom.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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