the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
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