Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
