At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
