Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
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i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
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my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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