Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
