I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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