god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
