First date: that requires underwear, huh?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
