Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
