She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
