What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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