I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
