she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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