I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
