we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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