So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
he high fived his dick after we had sex
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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