my mouth tastes like poor choices
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
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