Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
