Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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