My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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