So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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