She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
