I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.