I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
