I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
