just come out here and I will go home with you...
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
