On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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