did you get engaged???
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Randomize
