I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
