I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
