it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
