i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
My vagina just recognized that song.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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