Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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