I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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