Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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