last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
