6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You dont lie about slip and slides
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
