Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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