Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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