The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
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I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
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You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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