ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
