Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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