So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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