You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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